The Tabloid News Edition 4
'FROM THE EDITOR' I’ve been told it is time for me to release my investigative findings, and share my wealth of knowledge and news with the mass populace. So, here it is, another edition of The Tabloid News, a literary colossus towering above the need for corroboration or facts. The Swedish children running the presses had become soft and fat, so this new edition should have whipped them into shape. So, on with the news . . . 'COUNCIL OF STREET BOSSES A FRONT FOR BOOK CLUB' The famed and controversial Council of Street Bosses is not what they appear to be. Instead of an organisation devoted to building peace and prosperity in the streets, they are really a book club. So-called “advisor,” Ophelia Payne was the one responsible for making tea and biscuits. They have just finished “The Call of the Canyon” by Zane Grey, and are beginning “The Blue Window” by Temple Bailey. 'DICK GOZINYA LOST, TRUTH FOUND' Some people have, while others have not, noticed that Dick Gozinya no longer prowls our fair city streets in search of young Korean ladies of the evening. Upon discovering that Mr. Gozinya owed The Tabloid News a substantial sum of money, Mr. Pickled (esteemed editor) went to look tracking down Dick Gozinya. After searching the seedy underbelly of every city, checking out every bar, honky-tonk, dive, saloon, speak easy, watering hole, and gin-joint, he continued to search every strip club, brother, house of ill-repute, cat house, whore house, god house, and out house, all to no avail. Mr. Pickles received a lead from his cousin Count Von Pickles from Krakozia, and traveled immediately to Europe to collect the $57.48 Gozinya owed. As it turns out, several years ago, Dick Gozinya was bitten by a vampire, Anastacia Beaverhausen. After he became a full fledge vampire (not a sissy math teacher for children), Dick became tired of preying upon American virgin blood. And, let’s be honest, with Mr. Pickles around, how many virgin girls are left? Needed an alternate source of blood, Gozinya stole a Russian Bride Catalogue from DmnDirtyApes, and decided to go to Russia to seek his prey there. Russian girls are reportedly very satisfied. 'TONY CAPONE INVESTIGATED BY ASPCA' After numerous complaints from neighbors, the American Society for the Preventions of Cruelty to Animals investigated Tony Capone. This sick, sick man had a smoking monkey for butler, but only gave him menthols to smoke. Also, Mr. Capone was caught with hours and hours of movie footage of animals in very degrading situations. One video showed an elephant dressed up as a French Maid. Other footage was of a cow forced to cook steaks. When asked for a comment, Tony Capone refused an interview as he was busy choking a chicken. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, I've always been into leggy blondes, but I'm engaged to a petite brunette. Do I take the plunge, then fantasize about blondes for the rest of my life? Signed, EvilClone ---------------------------------------------------------- Clone, Let me make sure I've got this right. You've lived your life ordering cheeseburgers with onions, lettuce, and ketchup. One day, you taste a cheeseburger with onions, lettuce, and mustard. And you love it. But you're torn because you're a ketchup guy? C'mon, Rick. If you think she's the one, savor the flavor, because if you keep staring at the menu, you're the one who's going to end up as leftovers. Red ---------------------------------------------------- Dear Red, My boyfriend dumped me for some no-talent clown. I'm crushed. A rebound one-night stand will ease the pain, right? Signed, Barbie Dahl Ed. Note, I’ll handle this one, Red ---------------------------------------------------- Dear Barbie, Yes. You know my number. Pickles 'OBLIGATORY APES IS AN IDIOT STORY' By Mr. MFer Apes is an idiot. Thank you. 'Horroscope' Today is a good day to give all your money to Mr. Pickles. 'HORSE RACES ARE FIXED' After months of investigating, we at The Tabloid News have discovered that the horse races are fixed. An honest gambler can not win an honest game. As our proof, take a look at the winners of the last two races . . . Race 1 WIN: Glue Stick – 47:1 PLACE: Back of Postage Stamp – 52:1 SHOW: Army Surpluss – 94:1 Race 2 WIN: Three Leg Wonder Gimp – 54:1 PLACE: Slow Poke McJoke – 73:1 SHOW: Daddy’s Little Tax Shelter – 87:1 With names and odds like these, it’s obvious!